Life with the crazys

i’m sick of this.

plus art is easier to deal with on blogger.

lifewiththecrazys.blogspot.com

- How much I do not want to do my summer homework. ever.

-How i already wish this year was going a bit quicker

-How even thinking about writing college essays makes me a bit nervous

-How I still don’t have a topic for my article due to the DALLAS MORNING NEWS september 14th.

-How I still have a TON of work to do for school.

-How I’m so sleepy already and school hasn’t even started

-How I want to drop out of AP english to have the better teacher who will teach me things, but colleges don’t know that so I have to stay in a class I’ll be bored in all year.

-How easily it seems God resolves some minor issues but lets the big ones fester.

-How I’m not at all ready for the boy to leave on Sunday

-How my carpooling buddies this year are both pretty cool people.

- How Skypeing with my friend Julia in Germany always makes my day

-How I don’t want to get my teeth cleaned today

-How I wish I knew what I wanted my life to be.

I sat in the bathtub, fully clothed, and cried. I cried so hard I couldn’t see the tile in front of me. So hard the world began to spin and the nice blue curtain was my only sense of direction. I cried with little reason and with little prevail. Shelby was fast asleep in her room, and my parents had both gone off to work, so i sobbed, silently, alone and forgotten in the bathtub.

There was no method or order to the beginnings of my tears. They just started and uncontrollably poured out of my face, stung my cheeks and burned my ducts. There was no one event, no single disaster ,that brought me to the edge of my sanity. No easily pinpointed problem that could be easily resolved and put aside with the tears.  Instead I was landlocked with issues. Laden with the problems here and the ones I knew were steadily heading towards me. And to be completely honest, my tears were not because of any of those problems. I cried because of fear.

I fear the future

I fear growing up

I fear the boy going back to austin far away from me

I fear the eighth grade girls I might be leading this year in Tuesday Night

I fear the three classes i have to do online before school starts

I fear the three art pieces I have to finish next week

I fear my 6 ap class

I fear another year of silently disagreeing

but mostly, almost entirely I fear making the wrong decision.

Because this year isn’t like the ones before. In a way I have always had decisions to make and situations to stumble through, but the ones that lay before me this year just seem so big and bad and daunting. I want to climb back into the world of elementary school bliss and basque in the sunlight of childhood. I want to ignore the problems and the joys that could stem from passing resolved issues.

So I freaked out. I acted like a three year old and hoped crying would solve my problems. but you know what? They were still there when I finally undressed and turned the water on. They were still there when I got out and went on with my day, and they will all still be there until I bother to resolve them. No amount of crying or hiding in my bed is going to change that.

Today, the god of the universe told me  that I’m being an idiot. Told me I’m relying far to much on myself and others and not enough on him. Told me that He is Lord and he has  a plan. Told me that each of these problems has a glorifying and redeeming purpose. Told me that no matter how much I depend on myself, ultimately I will be forced to face them alone, or choose to let him help me.

I don’t want this to be an abnormally hard year. I want for every problem and situation I face to be handled with every ounce of grace and deliberation I can muster. I want to make decisions because I truly believe them to be glorifying. I want to stop caring what other people think so much and to really let Christ just handle all of this. To let him decide where I will go to college, and how I will lead, and who i will influence, and what I will do. To let go of all of this fear and just embrace the challenges being thrown upon me.

The problem lies in inacting those dreams and desires, but as of right now I feel better. As of right now, I’m making a choice to be deliberate in my actions. A choice not to cry in the tub until at least July of 2010.

15 books that make me want to write a book:

1. Elsewhere- by Gabrielle Zevin. an incredible narrative with creative and innovative ideas concerning death and life after death. Zevin does an incredible job portraying the middle school aged protagonist

2.Skylight Confessions- Alice Hoffman. Hoffman is my favorite author. If I one day write a novel half as good as hers I’ll be content

3.A Northern Light- Jennifer Donnely. A time period novel set in the early 1800’s. Well crafted with a good plot, but mostly i think I just read it in the perfect time in life.

4.The Ballad of the Sad Cafe- Carson McCullers. She’s phenomenal.

5.The Sun Also Rises- Ernest Hemingway. This book opened my eyes to the literary art of storytelling. Not just the presentation of imagery, but also the extended build up of plot and scene.

6.The Diary of Anne Frank. I’ve never been more influenced by a book and a house. She’s the reason i keep a diary. The reason I’ll always love the name peter.

7.The Good Earth-by Pearl S. Buck.

8.Bentley and the Egg- William Joyce. One of my favorite children’s books EVER. My dad used to read it to us every night. It’s funny and cute and curious and full of really big words. ie. “pandemonium”

9.The Great Good Thing- by Roderick Townley. This book is a children’s novel about a princess who lives inside of a storybook and the troubles she encounters. A very creative, insightful novel in terms of scene structure. I enjoy it every time.

10. Love is a Mix Tape- Rob Sheffield. The ability to incorporate real life, in narrative form into a non-fiction book inspires and challenges me.

11. Third Girl- by Agatha Christie- i would literally kill for Christie’s plots.

12. At Risk- by Alice hoffman. more controversial because of the topic of AIDS but otherwise (see #2)

moving into non-fiction

13. Everybody Into the Pool- Beth Lisick. A funny creative dialogue driven conglomoration of Lisick’s childhood and teenage years. Laugh out loud funny.

14. The Wordy Shipmates- Sarah Vowell. This book taught me more about Puritans and John Winthrop than I ever thought I’d want to know while making me cry from laughter. Vowell has the skill to combine pure fact with uncontrollable humor.

15.Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs- Chuck Klosterman. His pop culture humor is well-timed and out and out funny.

One day, I’ll write one.

This week is music camp at the church. For some reason, this year isn’t nearly as fun as the past seven have been. Well, for many reasons really. There are so many things I wish I could vent and rant about on here. So many things I wish I could complain about on this venue.  But reality says its neither wise nor appropriate. Reality says venting on the internet is unacceptable. Reality says there are certain things that should really be left unsaid.

Today i want to tell the world my thoughts…. to get in some people’s faces and really rant… to explain how things are different… to leave. I want to tell everyone the things on my mind. But its really unwise.

Unorganization is bad. I really really really hope tomorrow is better.

www.kelseymckinney.tumblr.com

it’s easier.

to blog by Monday.

so we´re about to leave Barcelona. I´m just popping in to tell you all that I´m having an amazing time. It´s stressful and hard and difficult, but an absolutely incredible experience. My mind is blown by all the amazing things i´ve seen.

gotta board a boat to rome. bye

Updating from the Clink Hostel ( renovated jail) in London England.

London is incredible. So far:

-tube just got off strike, so the underground is finally running fully again

-London Tower

-Tower Bridge

-Westminster Abby

-Camden Market

-The Globe theater

-British national museum

-Tate Modern museum

-National Gallery

-Talamedge (?) square

-lunch in a crypt

-Big Ben

-Houses of Parliament

-Exploring all of our (kinda shady) neighboorhood.

-Lots of tube rides

-10 person room. (top bunk suckas)

-learning a lot.

-some observatory to see all of London from.

This is an absolutely incredible experience. I’ve seen Rothko’s, Moore’s, the Rosetta Stone, and so much more. Our hostel is so modern and fun and fulll of interesting people. I’m missing all of you.

LONDON

MADRID

BARCELONA

ROME

VENICE

FLORENCE

LUZERN

PARIS

AMSTERDAM

pray for compassion and patience and understanding on my part.

Pray for humility and that I show love to my travel team.

pray for a safe flight and safe train rides

pray that I don’t miss him too much

pray that God is just incredibly apparent to me during the next 24 days.

I’ll see you all again July 2nd. Have a great June.